Grieving the Loss of What Was Never There

Disclaimer: For some reason you are following along on our journeys, and while this post isn't specifically about traveling with kids or living with less or international flights... it is about real life and the joys and sadness one experiences in everyday living. No matter where you are on this globe or what lifestyle you choose, hopefully you can be invited into the realness of our journey by reading the following heartfelt post written by my wonderful wife. --- Paul

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NOT pregnant.

 

Those words hurt deeply.

I have four other children (including one with special needs) and a busy life so it's not like I am bored or have a lot of extra time to devote to a new baby anyhow.  I should just enjoy the ones I have a not think about having another.

But I can't.

I can't stop thinking of the little baby that I thought was growing inside of me.

But there never was any baby...I was not pregnant at all.  There was only a CHANCE that I was.

And we're not even trying.

But, there was hope.

 

I might have been.

 

It was possible.

 

And then it was over.

In one devastating splash of red, I know that I was not pregnant, I never was.   But it was all so perfectly formed in my imagination.

I am grieving the loss of what was never even there.  Crying over the death of what my imagination gave birth to.  Feeling deeply the empty coldness of a womb unfilled when my heart is exploding with desires of life warm with promise!

I ache with my sadness.

God, you know what is the very best plan for my life and desire my happiness so I trust that your reason for this is perfect and good.   But it hurts.  It's hard.  And it's empty and hollow.

I also know you understand grieving and disappointment, Jesus, you felt those things too.

I choose to turn my face to you and wait expectantly.  I choose to let you see all of my hurt and angst.  I choose to hand all that to you and let you be my Great Healer.  To fix up my heart where it has been injured and to soothe my spirit where it has been ruffled.

I whisper your name and you are there.  You don't care that I cry.  You welcome it.  It washes over my soul.  You are by my side through it all.

Do I feel a bit silly to be so upset about being so invested emotionally when I was never pregnant to begin with?

No.

It's just me.  Being real.  Being an authentic me.

Being the way God created me and He loves me so deeply that I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

 

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Becky Kortman

I'm a homeschooling, world traveling, Jesus follower who is a wife and mom of 4 kids, In all my travels, I am looking for places that fit with my soul and feel as much like 'home' as they can this side of heaven.

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2 Comments

  1. Cassandra

    There are so many ways to experience loss during the “childbearing years” of a woman’s life and they are all painful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and normalizing those feelings for others who experience them. Hugs my friend.

    Reply
    • Becky Kortman

      Thanks, Cass! I have always felt that miles and time have never changed the fact that you would be in my corner in life. Thanks for being THAT kind of friend! Hugs right back!

      Reply

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