I am not sure why but I really love his picture Paul took of me!
This post is a bit removed from the traveling theme that's our norm but every once in awhile we post something more personal.
This is one of those times.
The Core Me
There are some basics about me that I feel will never change. I love Jesus. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love to travel. I do not like brown chocolate. I love to laugh. I love horses. I do not like noise.
These things are foundationally me. They have always been true..some since I was a child. They will not, nor have they changed.
However, other things have changed.
I was raised very conservatively and held tightly to those beliefs/ideas instilled in me until Paul and others challenged me in college. That is when I first started to wonder 'who was the REAL Becky'? I think there is a negative stigma in Christian circles about "finding one's self". I heard comments like "Your identity is in Christ, you don't need to look any further". Now I have to say "BOOOO" to this! It shuts down the searcher's feeling about getting comfortable in their own skin. I felt the negative stigma of "searching for myself" but concluded that it wasn't bad to discover something new about myself and expand my thoughts about a really big God.
I changed some of my ingrained views on heavy topics like God, religion, gay rights, and politics. I also gained a new perspective on ME! I began to embrace things I felt we "not acceptable" for me as a Christian and a woman growing up.
However, twice in my life I have gone through periods where I have spent some time delving deeper into who I really am. Now is one of those times.
Who am I really?
Lately Paul and I have been discussing my thoughts on my growing up years and how they formed me into the person I am. Everyone has this and some live out that person their whole lives while other rebel against whom their parents wanted them to be and strike out on their own path of discovery.
Fast forward to today. Paul and I are discussing again my feelings of not really being 'me'. How I still feel like things I do and how I look isn't quite right. Still uncomfortable in my own skin. Only today as I grapple with this I do it openly knowing that Paul supports me and also wants me to find the real deep 'me' that God intended me to live out.
What does that look like right now? Here is a peek into how I am coming out of the conservative cocoon I was born in....coming more alive...more ME.
The New Me
I love having colored hair. I love aqua converse shoes. I love wearing whatever shirt I want and not caring if my colored bra shows! ( getting really personal here!). I prefer to navigate instead of drive. I hate being overweight...thus I hate my dysfunctional liver!!! I love homeschooling my kids. I love my RV home! I love the freedom that comes with not judging others. I don't care what others think of me.
Trying out short hair!
As I continue to find out who God intended me to be (both inside and out) I am so grateful for my amazing husband who supports, encourages and challenges me. I desire this journey of self discovery to continue and am quite surprised that I am doing this again when I am 37 years old.
Will I go through another phase of change in another 10 years?
Have you ever felt uncomfortable in your own skin? How have you re-created yourself?
Here's to becoming comfortable with who we each are and loving ourselves in our own skin.
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Becky Kortman
I'm a homeschooling, world traveling, Jesus follower who is a wife and mom of 4 kids, In all my travels, I am looking for places that fit with my soul and feel as much like 'home' as they can this side of heaven.
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Awesome! I loved reading this and feel that I am in a similar time right now. I no longer attend a regular church service but have found the church is indeed the people. Some of the best worship and encouragement and advice and came from walks with friends and sitting around fires at campsites. I have found liberty in knowing what I have worked out and believe. I know how critical I have been in the past and I know how much I have changed in 10 years. I am thankful for the life God has given me. It hasn’t always been easy but God is sovereign always good.
Yes, Bethany! There are so many wonderful things that seems to come out of campfires, huh?! New friendships, incredible worship, etc! I am so happy for your personal growth and insight into how things can look so different from how I was raised but still bring glory to God. Thanks for commenting!
Good for you! I have found that discovering who I am and being that person is a lifelong thing. There may be times of increased focus, which are life affirming.
I love your colored hair-didn’t realize it was, but it looks good. I also think the picture Paul took that you love is cool-a work of art-so many variations of color, the sweep intriguing-gorgeous.
I think it is brave of you to blog this about yourself. I find your families journey and philosophy engaging and am always hurrying to open that email to hear about what’s happening with you all.
Hugs, Sally
Oh, and fun short haircut! Looks good on you.
I never thought about it being a “lifelong process with times of increased focus” but that is a perfect description of what I am experiencing!
I agree about Paul’s photo…the depth, the intensity, the focus. I really do love it.
Thank you, Sally, we are blessed to have followers such as yourself who interact with us and make this lifestyle much less lonely.
Stella, I hope and pray that you will always find your groove… in exactly who God created you to be… even if it changes. :) Thank you for sharing the real deal!
Thanks for listening and for your encouragement!
Love that you are on this journey. I think we as mamas (and frankly, women) get lost in who we think we “should” be and who those around us need us to be and we lose sight of the us that God intended in the sea of busyness. I just read “Thrashing About With God” this summer and it was eye opening and life changing for me. I was already starting a journey of finding myself when I came across this book, and it gave voice to so many thoughts, feelings and hopes I was already struggling with! I agree that this is a life long journey and I am excited for all the amazing things I am learning and will learn about myself and my God!
Wow! Yes, Laurie, it is so true that we get lost in all the needs around us. I definitely feel that way. I do love taking the time to probe into my true self more. I enjoy learning more of who God has really made me to be. Thanks for the book suggestion. It’s on my list now! And thanks for taking the time to write!
Are you familiar with Neale Donald Walsch? He wrote a series of books entitled “Conversations With God.” I read the first 3 books while out on the road 10 years ago, and really enjoyed them. They made me/allowed me to make healthy, life-long changes in how I viewed myself, the world around me, and my relationship with God. I think you would really enjoy them too.
Thanks for the tip, Karen! I will add it to my reading list!